Posted in Family, Memories, Women

16 things I learned in ‘16

As you might know, the stork visited me and Junior had popped out by the end of 2015. So 2016 was a year of learning and laughter, trials and triumphs, growth and goof-ups, you get the picture..

Here’s what I discovered on my journey of motherhood so far

  1. Everyone is winging it. Parenting is like MBA exams – there are no wrong answers, you know some concepts, you learn others and ignore the rest
  2. We like babies not because they’re cute and such, but because they bring us back to our childhood
  3. It takes a lot of effort to not inflict stories of your baby’s cuteness/antics/habits/poop routine on people around you. Resist the urge. Do not show them pics unless they ask for. Hell, don’t even share their name if not asked
  4. Speaking of, here are 2 ways to deal with unsolicited suggestions on naming your spawn. a) Say “we’ll take this under advisement”, or “hmm, that’s interesting” b) Say you’ve decided the name –Princess Consuela Banana Hammock or Crapbag
  5. No one will care years from now how you delivered your child – just STFU and take the damn epidural/ C-section/ whatever is medically the best option for both of you
  6. Breast-feeding is like a serious workout routine – you need stamina, commitment, will-power and supporters. P.S. It also burns calories like mad
  7. Your body – it is awesome. Media will bombard you with images of the yummy mummy, friends and family might nudge you to take up weight loss regimes, but know this – you took a tiny cell in your body and created a whole new person out of it. And right now, the only thing you need to do is be wholesome, happy and healthy.
  8. Post natal blues – it is real. Depression/anxiety/mood swings/whatever, no need to deal with it alone. Talking to supportive people helps and time heals
  9. Glowing blissful moms shown in baby stuff ads:: Men in Axe commercials getting all the action – marketing fuelled hyperbole to make money
  10. You learn to make up silly games, funny noises and nonsense stories – seriously, my crow, sheep and parrot impressions are spot on. Stupid annoying songs will start to grow on you because she dances to them
  11. You should not listen to elders
  12. You need to consult with elders from time to time
  13. The sight of a man holding his tiny new-born and gazing at her will render you a puddle of mush
  14. Parenting is a team sport. An example: Try giving medicine to a kicking and screaming baby
  15. A baby can be used as the perfect excuse to get out of irksome tasks – you don’t believe it? Ask N who encourages me to have fun shopping on my own, while he takes care of baby ( aka playing catch-me-if-you-can, inventing new ways to make her giggle and lounging in tatty comfortable clothes)
  16. The performance pressure starts way early – What was the baby’s birth weight? When did she roll over? Does she stand up yet? How many words does she say? Can we enrol her in IIT coaching? If you don’t watch it, you’ll end up stuffing your child full of pani puris, shaving her head and pushing her into a mud pit to win the Commonwealth Games
Posted in Family, Memories, pregnancy, Uncategorized

2 pink lines on a stick

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One fine day, not long ago, N and I joined a worldwide dastardly plot to harass poor patrons in restaurants and airports.

As with all major changes in my life, I reacted with calmness and equanimity. Haha, just kidding. My mind went million miles an hour trying to process words like ‘pregnancy’, ‘ultrasounds’ ‘maternity’, ‘leaning in’, ‘diaper duty’, ‘labour pain’ and so on.  Till N very wisely sat me down and deactivated my over-heated brain circuitry. I don’t remember if he slipped something in my water or hypnotised me. But one phrase stuck in my head (much like the horrible Dettol jingle) – one day at a time.

And that is pretty much the credo I have been living by these days.

If you’re ‘in the family way’ or ‘planning for a family’ any time soon, here’s a handy survival kit:

  • Develop a sense of humour. The darker, the better.
  • Choose a great ob-gyn – someone who will help you make this a happy period, even when you’re nauseous and scared
  • If you listened to everyone and their mother about what to eat, you’ll have to subsist on tissues. Check with your doc and stuff your face all you want
  • When people tell you horror stories of their birth, visualize their pants coming undone.
  • People will insist that you turn into a couch potato, or act like Milkha Singh’s coach from the movie. Unless they’re your doctor, nod and go do your own thing.
  • “Your life will change forever. No more sleep-ins/ road trips/ fine dining/great sex. Your baby will complete you. Parenthood will test your relationship” – when you hear things like these, stick your fingers in your ears and go “la la la la la la ..I can’t hear you”
  • You can try to be cool and matter-of-fact about this. But there will be unguarded moments when you find yourself smiling and/or talking to a peanut sized being in your lower belly
  • It is good if you have lovely visions of a fulfilling motherhood. It’s also cool if you have an empty head, big heart and open mind for the future.

More to come, since I am obviously making things up as I go along. 🙂

P.S. Apologies in advance, all you restaurant goers and frequent fliers. We’re hoping bun-in-the-oven is cute enough for you to not want to go “Hulk Smash” if they spoil your date night/ sleepy flight.